5/12/11
"No, that doesn't look right--not good enough," I say to myself, frantically trying to fix my hair so that, to me, it makes me look as presentable as possible. It's like some kind of corny superstition, you know?--It's like I'm thinking that if all the curls on my head looked a certain way it would give me a better chance of getting what I want today.
"No, that doesn't look right--not good enough," I say to myself, frantically trying to fix my hair so that, to me, it makes me look as presentable as possible. It's like some kind of corny superstition, you know?--It's like I'm thinking that if all the curls on my head looked a certain way it would give me a better chance of getting what I want today.
I keep asking myself: "Why do you want to go through with something when you know you're not going to get what you want?"
I know a part of it has to do with me proving something to myself, proving that I can actually do this.
--But I already know I can do this, I've done this so many fucking times before: Reach out when my desired outcome was nearly, if not fully impossible to obtain.
Repeatedly getting shut down can make a man weary and pessimistic, and I have been walking that path for a long time now.
I like to think that I'm a good guy. Why isn't that ever good enough?
I am sitting here in Tealuxe right now, about to pour my heart out to another man who I know doesn't go for guys like me.
I like to think I'm being brave. But lately I think I'm just being stupid.
Little by little I can already feel myself sinking deeper into the ground.
But despite such dark thoughts, I cannot deny how proud I am of myself. I actively went out and pursued someone, made advances, took little steps, got a number, made the phone call, wrote the text, played the game of pursuit. I can do this, I know, and it's a great feeling to know that I can.
I just don't know how much of this I can take.
Here I am in Tealuxe. Hoping, wishing, praying; being scared, insecure, and unprepared. I used to think that if I were hurt enough by this, that I'd be used to it and numb in a sense. But in all honestly, it never goes away. Every time I'm in this situation it just feels like I'm back at square one, and it's pretty frustrating.
I really hope he comes today so that I can get this over with and out of my system. But as each hour passes, I start to think more and more that he won't come. I've been mentally preparing myself all night and day for this moment, frantically trying to patch up the holes and smooth out the kinks in my armor so that I can take the full blow.
He's been in the back of my head for a long time, even when I was with Jon. He's also the same person I was talking about in my last blog entry all the way back in November. Either way, I'll know for sure once this is over with, and I can finally close that chapter and move on.
I hate how much I emotionally invest in vague opportunities.
...
Ugh, I did it again. I keep looking at the door every time someone comes in. It's getting a little late, and I've been here since about 2:30pm.
...
Right now it's a little past 5pm. Yup, he's not coming.
...
I'm leaving.
...
Flash forward--> 6/10/12 11:40pm
Wow, I completely forgot I wrote this entry.
