There are moments, countless moments that are handed to us--moments that we want and hope for.

Moments that we, unfortunately, never really take advantage of.

We tell ourselves to do something, anything, but

nothing happens.


It's this kind of transient hesitation that takes control, that makes us miss out on these opportunities.

Where does it come from? Why does it happen?

Why does it happen, when we know exactly what we want to do and how to to do it?



Why do we just stand around and let the chance waltz away right before our eyes?


Human beings are one of the only (if not the only) organisms on this Earth that knows that one day, we will cease to live--that our time is limited.

But if that's the case, why do we keep living our lives wasting so many of these moments that will never come along again?


Please.


Please tell me.

You've introduced me to a moment--a brief interval of unconditional acceptance, growth and content.

It's left me with something. Something great.


It was an exchange of puzzle pieces, but the part that we gained from each other was much, much larger than the part that we had to give up.



And it fit perfectly.

Every thing we do--whether it be the way we laugh and smile to try and make others feel better, even though we aren't ourselves; the way we strive and hope for the best in life, despite being terrified at the possibility that things will never be how we want them to;

or the way I kiss the top of your eyelid, as you start to fall asleep.

Every single thing we do makes its mark in time and space. And once it is done, there is absolutely nothing that can take it away. Therefore, in a continual sense, after our time is gone and used up, we'll be there--our mark will last forever.

We'll be there: laughing, hoping, kissing, breaking. Feeling everything that countless amounts of people have felt before in their short, seemingly minuscule lives.


But we'll still be there.


I'll be there with you in our moment in time and space,





kissing the top of your eyelid, as you start to fall asleep.

Back in this quiet, lazy, peaceful town I find myself having time to really think about things. Most of the time I just want to spend my days sleeping in, watching some tv, cooking, reading up on storylines to games I don't have time to play, and taking pictures. Lately, I've been really looking into Kingdom Hearts, and I have fallen back in love with the story all over again.

I kind of have a thing for complicated tales of interconnectedness (intangible bonds between people and their destinies, etc.), especially ones whose complexity runs on par with other stories like Final Fantasy X and Lunar/Lunar 2.

When finishing Kingdom Hearts 2 (well, for starters I don't have the game, and I also said earlier that I don't have time for games anymore--so I watch video game "movies" on youtube--videos of only storyline relevant cut scenes and clips of video games. It's pathetic, I know, but whatever.) I felt like a kid again: being in awe and wonder about the story, their worlds, their adventures, their pain. I started reading up on the entire storyline throughout the KH franchise, and much to my pleasant amusement, have discovered even more things for my mind to chew on.

The plot is complex, the characters are all connected, and even a hint of ethical/moral issues touch upon the definition of what it means to be alive, and what purpose substantiates it.

After finishing reading all of the storylines and mentally piecing them together in order, I started to feel unsatisfied. Looking at how life is now, and how it will continue to become as I get older, I started to miss how easy it was to be fascinated--to be struck with wonder and a genuine sense of adventure.

I remember how going to a friend's house, stealing some fireworks, and destroying ant hills together was enough to make me feel like I was on an adventure of a lifetime.

I feel torn between how I know the future will most likely be, and what I hope for it to be. Is this why I don't think I want to become a doctor?--Because it'll make me feel tied down? But the routine sense of home life and parenting appeals to me as well. And that kind of tender, intimate routine in life is something I want.

But I also want something more.

Something to make me feel as though I have a greater purpose. Something with more excitement. Something with more risks.

This is the inner Geek in me wishing that there was no college after high school and that life was like Pokemon: You venture out on your own, catch Pokemon, discover new ones, train them, battle some more, and make friends and earn fame.

At times this life--this world, can seem so dull. Don't get me wrong, I'm content with the way things are, and I'm pleasantly happy with my life. I guess it just means you have to look at things from a different perspective. This reality may not have evil villains to defeat or magic spells to cast, but there is love, risk, adventure-- it's just a different kind. Not to mention a lot safer, haha.

I guess when it really comes down to it, I'm scared that I'll wake up one day and absolutely hate where I am in life. That I'll get bored of things--friends, lovers, hobbies and never feel satisfied with myself or anything.

I want to get so much out of this life before it's over--but I'm not sure what, and I'm not sure how.

It's always nice to dream, I guess.


Cheers,

Dubby

Everything.

I'm scared.

But excited, thrilled and hopeful.

The human condition is remarkable. In the face of aversive consequences--whether it be physical or emotional pain--we stubbornly persist.

We risk breaking down every emotional defense we spend our entire lives trying to construct to


reach out.

And hope for a glimpse--a brief moment that has and will never have, any meaningful significance in the universe,


for a touch. A connection.




We are just matter floating in space, and our existence is but a tiny fraction of all that ever will be.

But in that moment of connection; in that moment of awkward smiles, outrageous laughter, and soft kisses on the side of your lips...




We feel infinite.

有時候我告訴自己：不要感到那麼失望。你知道嗎？－如果你把這樣壓力放在身上，無論做什麼都一定會讓你覺得失望。

我差點不想繼續做夢下去，


可是在我夢中，我能感到最想感到的感覺：


愛情



我實在夢中


誰能幫我擺脫這個假的現實？

My time.

My time--it's,


it's running out.

A riddle, a guess--from head to toe I've searched these places.

These places that you've led me to.

I've been playing this game for so long I don't even know how it started.

Maybe it's just something that everyone has to do. Some people keep playing.

Some people give up--and for good reason.


But with every clue I find, with every riddle I read with your tear-smeared hand writing

...telling me where to find you...

I get tired.


Because every time I think I've figured out where you are, all I find is another tear-smeared post-it giving me another riddle as to where you might be.

Why won't you just stay in one place?
Why won't you let me find you?
Why won't you let me love you, love?


I've been ready and willing for as long as I can remember, but it seems like every person I meet--no matter how nice or amazing the general public claims I am--there still hasn't been a single person who sees me with the same possibility that I do



with them.

I should have noticed it--but it was happening too quickly, all at once.

But through these four years, through these four years of hoping. Of wanting. Of wishing. Of changing. Of hating myself. Of disappointment. Of trying. Of hoping.

Of hoping.

Truth is, is that I don't know how to explain it myself. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, all I feel is nothing. I'm empty.

I will tell you I am fine.

But I've got some news, friend. It feels like I'm dying.





I don't think I believe in love anymore.

I love you, Brown.

And the day I leave you, is the day I will be able to fully grasp that this was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

Sometimes it feels like I want this to last forever, but despite this I know that it's not what I want. That this is just one of many stepping stones towards the life I will live--whatever that may be.

But at least I know


that this, compared to many things that have passed,


was something I did right.

After all these years of looking for the answers, I always end up in the same place.

Maybe I'm not doing this right.

Maybe you're not doing it wrong enough.

As the last few hours of the decade elapse I can't help but wonder if things could have been done better, differently.

But things always turn out how they're supposed to, no matter what.

It's the sad truth.

A truth I have learned to accept.


Despite this, however, I can't really tell if learning to accept something the way it is is merely giving up due to uncontrollable (or perceived as uncontrollable) circumstances, or learning to be content.

Neither can I.

All it is, is a constant struggle between the things you want or feel you deserve, and whether or not the world is willing to give it to you.


I think it's about time I start stealing.


新年快樂

孟達偉