Or maybe I'm not.
I'm not sure exactly how to put how I feel into words, because, I don't know, I guess I'm starting to care less and less about my reactions to things. Which is good and bad, I suppose. Lately I've been finding that I've been living with the mindset of
the moment
and it feels so damn good not to care about what the future would bring, how the past is something that can never be re-done--just living life day to day, smile to smile, awkward laugh to awkward laugh. I feel like I've improved a lot ever since I've started life here, and I don't ever want it to end.
Sometimes, however, everything just hits like a ton of bricks to my face. And yet. It makes me feel as though I'm running away from something.
what are you running away from, David?
I don't know.
Liar,
you're just too embarrassed to bring it up
I guess it's something that I still have yet to resolve within myself, to confront, and to come to terms with. To come to terms with instead of having it leak out through the lyrics of the songs I make, and the chords I play with my guitar.
Maybe I'm being impatient. Maybe I'm being inconsiderate.
I don't know.
But I do know, however, that if I don't suck it up and get over this, it's just going to get worse and worse.
It's so tiring, it really is, but I can't help it--and I really wish I could,
but, feeling lonely sucks
so
damn
much.
Archive for March 2009
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Maybe I'm Dreaming
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Surfacing
Wow.
It's almost April--that means that there's a little less than two months of school left.
Why did this year go by so fast? So quickly?
You loser, it's more like how come you couldn't get more things done.
Anyways, I'm pretty excited about living somewhere else next year, and meeting even more people! I'm especially excited for the new entering freshman that'll be in Tae Kwon Do--I want our club to keep getting bigger and bigger.
Speaking of Tae Kwon Do, we just had Collegiate Nationals last weekend, yay! It was AWESOME, and I'm so glad that I woke up at 6:30 all of those days to get up for morning practice. I got a silver medal in poomsae, but I did poopie in sparring--LOL. I think i've concluded that I DO NOT want to be in the heavy weight division anymore, those guys are HUGE, and if they're not huge, they're TALLLLL. And I'm just little chubby short me, so yeah, oh, and i'll also hopefully be a lot faster.
Overall, it was an amazing experience, and I can't wait to compete again next year!
I have to get so much shit done this spring break, it's disgusting. I have to read about 5 books, and get started on two papers, ugh FML.
Betty's boyfriend, Johnny, flew up from UC Irvine to hang out with her during break, so he's been joining us during our dinners and what not. I love cooking with friends, it feels great--like we're a family, you know? We all contribute a part of ourselves when we make something in the kitchen, and when we share it with others, it just brings everyone a lot closer.
Tomorrow morning we're going to take the commuter rail to Boston, and then from there we're going to take the Feng Wah bus to go to New York. From there it'll drop us off at China Town, where we'll eat lunch and hopefully HOPEFULLY buy more phone charms :3 ! I'm super stoked! This is the first (well, Boston's China town was the first, but it was kind of pooey) real China town that I'm going to, so I hope I won't be let down.
We'll be staying two nights at Amed's house, and we also plan on going to central park, times square, the sex museum, and maybe ellis island!
Other than that, I'm starting to hate my IR class. Wait, no, let me correct that, I'm starting to hate my IR TA--she sucks balls. Well, maybe hate is too strong a word, more like dislike, yeah.
Also, I'm still having no luck finding a new digital camera, and it really, really sucks. I feel like so many moments that should've been captured on camera have been slipping through my fingers. Eh, at least I have my little mino.
Money is super tight right now, I need to save up for China this summer, to be able to pay for food for 8 weeks. Haha, did you know that China has no drinking age? ; )
So, here is a list of things that I need money for:
Food for Beijing, China (300-450)
Digital Camera (140 -450, if I get a DSLR)
Right now I have enough for food, and I don't want to touch that, so all I really have to save up for is the new camera.
On another note, 小橙愛and胖奭螈 have been doing pretty good. Sometimes I forget to feed them, though, but they survive. I have a few friends who live in Rhode Island, so I'm going to ask them if they can take care of them during the summer.
Expect another blog full of wonderful pictures of New York!
Dub Dub
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At Random and Bitching
So, it's been quite a while since I've written a blog, haha. I have to stop taking naps, seriously, they really mess up my sleep cycle.
Ugh, I have so much work to get done this weekend--I'm hoping to start tomorrow morning.
and without further ado, randomness will now commence:
Tomorrow is Starfuck--another Brown University LGBTQ sponsored party synonymous to that of Sex Power God. Today me, Pattricia, and Mike went to the salvation army to look for clothes to wear, hahah, and I found this black dobok! It's not like the white ones we use for Tae Kwon Do, but it's more robe-style. Tricia and I are going as "prom dates" haha. Me and her are probably going to be the people actually wearing clothes there. Mike is going as a boy scout. He's definitely getting raped within the first 20 minutes of the party, haha.
Tae Kwon Do collegiate nationals are in like, two weeks! I'M SO NERVOUS UGH. Haha, I love doing head shots in sparring, it makes me feel cool.
So, I'm going to Beijing this summer under this program by Princeton University. 8 weeks only speaking chinese, it's intense. I'm scared shitless.
My Tae Kwon Do equipment is starting to really smell, and my roommate can definitely notice. He's really nice about it, and doesn't really bring it up. But sometimes he faces his fan out the open window to let the air in the room circulate outside. I feel so very dirty and bad, haha.
When I'm with a guy, I want to be with a GUY. I think it's very unattractive that bisexual/gay men act like the opposite sex: the gay accent, the wrist hanging, the bitching, the clothes--ALL of it, jesus. The whole point of being with another man is to be with another MAN. And what the fuck is this shit with the whole slut scene? I mean, I know some heterosexuals are promiscuous as hell, but still. Stop perpetuating the fucking stereotype of fucking everyone you meet. Ever wonder why some people have a hard time accepting gay marriage?--because, with religion aside, they think that love between two members of the same sex is impossible.
Stop. Fucking. Perpetuating it. It's always about a fuck scene, why no dating scene? I'd very much rather learn about what another person wants in life than how big their cock is and how fast I can get it in my mouth.
When I'm with a girl, I DON'T want to be with a BITCH. Fussy, bitchy, shit talker. It's disgusting. I mean, really. Though, I have to be honest, there's this one girl in my chinese class who's so fussy and headstrong, I find myself being attracted to her sometimes. But yes, generally speaking, I don't want to date barbie. I want to date an intelligent, mature, semi-girly young woman. No bitches. Please.
WHAT THE FUCK is this shit: "Like, OMG you guys, let's like, hurry up and go already! I'm freezing!!"--girls wearing next to nothing in the fucking 21 degree F weather waiting to go to FISHCO to go "clubbing". These girls go to Brown? I mean, seriously, do they? You'd figure that if they had the intellectual capacity to be enrolled into such an institution, they'd be smart and able-minded enough to fucking wear a jacket to keep warm. Guess it just goes to show that no matter where you go, you have your dumbasses. Disappointing? Very
Sometimes I think that if I wasn't fat, more people would like me. You may find some people that "believe" that looks don't matter. But really. Deep down you know that's a load of bullshit. It makes me sad.
I got a B on my first Social Psychology paper!!!!! Despite being slightly disappointed, I am very, very satisfied with myself! :D
Sometimes I think I try wayyyy too hard to be funny. It goes over-board, and I don't watch and/or think about what I'm saying. I'm sorry =[ .
I think it's funny how some people think I'm a whore just because I'm attracted to members of both sexes. On the contrary, I have morals. I'm a virgin [insert disgusting giggle here] , and I'm waiting to lose it to someone who I'm in a long term committed relationship with, thankyouverymuch.
I need a job. Next summer I want to go to Beijing again, but this time through Duke University. It costs money money money money moneyyyyy.
And I am poor poor poor! sigh.
I need a new digital camera! My other one broke =[ . I think i'll just settle for one of those cheap 10 mp ones on amazon. A DLSR can wait.
Lately, I've been listening to this korean pianist names Yiruma. Some of his pieces are slightly corny, but I like it--it's sweet, suddle, and relaxing. It's been helping me get through my IR readings.
Fulfilling a triple major with IR, Psych, and Socio. has crossed my mind. It'd be SUPER sick if i could get myself to do it, but we'll see. I'd definitely have to take 5 classes for several semester, which is a bigggggg workload, considering how lazy I am.
I should really go to sleep now if I want to wake up early to do work, blah.
I've there's anything else I feel like bitching about, I'll post it later.
Night!!
Dub Dub
