We live with what we miss. We learn to build another wall until it falls.

Except this time, I can't break it--it won't budge.

I've been waiting for so long, I'm ready. And I don't care if I fail, if we fail. I just want to feel it with you. To live knowing that we had something, than nothing at all.

So help me. Break it down with me.


Please.

You wanted it all.

You wanted the warmth of the stars held in the palms of your hands.

You wanted to wake up next to someone.

You wanted to be noticed with delicate beauty in the midst of chaos.

You wanted kisses on your forehead.

You wanted the rush. You wanted the ease.

And when you couldn't have it, you left. You left us all--everyone.



But I could have told you, this world was never meant for someone as beautiful as you.

And I'm sorry for only saying this now, but I felt the same.

I wanted everything too, you know.


I wanted you.

And with every single moment you find out that things were not as they seemed. And with every single hope that just turned out to be nothing more than a silly manifestation.

Pieces of you start to peel away, chip off.

Yet you try so hard to remain adamant in the game--while at the same time wanting so hard to give up. So hard to give in. It's easier that way.

It gets to the point where you can't tell if these events, these mishaps are making you stronger, or numb.



Because the two are definitely not the same.

And they told us that we weren't meant for each other. But our hearts knew better than that.

And they told us that my arms weren't meant to hold a body like yours. But god, the warmth made me think otherwise.

And they told you that I would leave you.

And they told me that you would break me.


But who cares. The words they uttered no longer matter.


Because whether broken or a part, we were brilliant. And I will never forget you.






Even though I've never met you.

I can feel it--that feeling of sinking, of slipping. You try so hard to avoid it, but at the same time there comes a kind of comforting sensation. I guess that's what happens when you spend most of your time down in the dumps.

But this time it caught me surprise, and I don't know the cause of it. There are so many things I want to change about myself, and I don't know where to start. When I think I'm doing fine, my weaknesses get the better of me, and I get back at square one. The disappointments start to weigh much more than they used to, and as a consequence the measure of self-worth decreases.


The source of all of this, it's been something that I've been fighting for a long time.


I don't know if I can keep fighting it any more.

You can see them. You know you do.

But chances are that, for your convenience, you choose not to.

But no matter where you go. No matter how much you ignore it.


Someone's heart is always breaking.





Right in front of you.

Says the label located behind my neck.



I've worked so hard to gain a sense of pride with the inconveniences provided warmly, and lovingly by human emotion. And yet. When something occurs, when something knocks me off my balance, I take it for granted. Sometimes it just get's overloaded, and I don't know what to do--what to tell you.


I am the Earth and you are my axis. You divide me. You distinguish my parts and what they represent as a coherent whole, keeping everything in line as the jealous sun can do nothing but fuel our connection with it's rays.

The heat.

The touch.

That feeling I get when you unexpectedly brush up against me, and from the point of contact outwards, you spread like wildfire throughout my entire body, going so far as to shorten the already minute gap between cells-- making them feel sensuality, even love.

But when all of it goes.

When everything is discovered to be nothing more than an inevitable let down, it happens:

The shortening of breath,
the wildfire on your body, but this time with an uncomfortable sensation concentrated at your chest,
loss of balance off the axis,


the emotions turn against you, and the feelings you valued become dreaded.


Is it worth the time? It is worth the effort?

I say yes.

Or rather, it's more like I wish I didn't have to say yes at all.




Faulty manufacturing.

Sorry for not updating in such a long time. I feel terrible. Well, not really, despite that the terrible-ness of my impeded blogging abilities has disappointed me some.

Three months have passed, and let me tell you, a lot has happened. If anything, however, it has made me realize that I have been ignoring a lot of things about myself that I've known for quite some time I should change.

Another event occurred in which I was completely caught off guard, and I became someone I didn't know, someone who I had no control over. It was odd, really, because I didn't expect any of it to occur. It was also very frustrating--to the point where I feel as though I lost a friend before I even got a chance to really make one. It makes me sad.

I feel like I have improved so much these past three years, and this summer made me feel like I was starting back at square one--as if I had made no improvement at all, as if all of the growth I felt I have experienced had never occurred.

I thought I was strong, I thought that the many, many disappointments that I have gone through equipped me for one like this, for one especially like this. But it didn't. It hit me hard, and tore me a part.

I wasn't myself this summer. I lost it--myself. Now, however, I'm picking back up the pieces, the pixels, and little by little I'm starting to see myself again, and it feels good. I shouldn't let what other people expect from me, or disappointing events to distort the image, to deform it into something that I know isn't me.


I should just be myself. And it's about time I get comfortable with it.


Dubby

So, I just flew in from my 12+ hour flight (total flying time) from Providence,RI to Hilo, HI.  It's been pretty good seeing my mom, especially since one of our dogs, Chino, died.  We have two dogs, and both of them are brothers--but now we only have one left.  Those dogs are pretty much my mother's replacement for her kids, and it just pretty much broke her heart when one of them died.  

明天我有一個中文口試，哈哈。我得說中文，給我一個報告！

Or maybe I'm not.


I'm not sure exactly how to put how I feel into words, because, I don't know, I guess I'm starting to care less and less about my reactions to things. Which is good and bad, I suppose. Lately I've been finding that I've been living with the mindset of

the moment

and it feels so damn good not to care about what the future would bring, how the past is something that can never be re-done--just living life day to day, smile to smile, awkward laugh to awkward laugh. I feel like I've improved a lot ever since I've started life here, and I don't ever want it to end.


Sometimes, however, everything just hits like a ton of bricks to my face. And yet. It makes me feel as though I'm running away from something.

what are you running away from, David?

I don't know.

Liar,

you're just too embarrassed to bring it up


I guess it's something that I still have yet to resolve within myself, to confront, and to come to terms with. To come to terms with instead of having it leak out through the lyrics of the songs I make, and the chords I play with my guitar.

Maybe I'm being impatient. Maybe I'm being inconsiderate.

I don't know.

But I do know, however, that if I don't suck it up and get over this, it's just going to get worse and worse.

It's so tiring, it really is, but I can't help it--and I really wish I could,

but, feeling lonely sucks

so

damn

much.

Wow.

So, it's been quite a while since I've written a blog, haha.  I have to stop taking naps, seriously, they really mess up my sleep cycle.

So it's about 2:20 am right now.  Today I'm being a loser and deciding to just vegg out on the bed, hahhaa, 我真的很喜歡睡覺！ I know it's bad for me, and I really should get started on studying for that IR midterm on Wednesday, seeing as how I have yet to peek at ANY of the readings, hahahha.  

I'm sorry for not being honest.

I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW AS;LDFKJSALFKJSD!

Stop this.

It's not like I'm a slut
or that I really like to fuck,
I just want every boy I see,
to walk away with part of me,

Until there's nothing left to hold,
until there's nothing left to hate,
I know that I need help,
but even you can't save me from myself.

It's not like I am weak or that I don't know how to leave,
it's just that every time you cheat,
you bring me closer to defeat,
until there's nothing left to love,
until there's nothing left to say,
I know that you need help,
but even I can't save you from yourself.

--Her Space Holiday, Japanese Gum



The more and more I relate my actions to this song, the more and more it starts to make sense. I don't know whether or not I'm purposely putting myself through this kind of self-degradation, or whether or not it's just an inevitable consequence of the risk. For some reason, however, I have a strange feeling it's the former.


And for the record:

Never have I ever been in love.


Dubby

So, I’m at the Honolulu Airport right now waiting for my plane to arrive so I can go to Chicago. Blah, I hate waiting--they really need to invent a faster way of travel, seriously. Anyways, I totally forgot to write in here before I left the house, because all these lame airports don’t have free wifi, ugh. But yeah, my time spent at home was a lot better than expected! I spent a lot of time sleeping, yes, but when I felt like it, I spent quite of bit of my time going out and seeing some people.
I probably didn’t spend as much time seeing people like others would when they come home from college, but it’s okay with me.

“Graduated, as in DONE with that”

--Natalie Walters

Haha, I don’t really care about most of my classmates, well I do, but I don’t really feel like I need to make an effort to see EVERYONE, jesus christ. That quote I just wrote is from my awesome friend Natalie, I guess I’ve begun to understand her logic behind that statement. Fuck it! High school was a bunch of BS.
Don’t get me wrong, if it weren’t for that I don’t feel like I would’ve grown and developed into the person I am today. I also owe some very memorable moments to my years in high school. Despite that, I still don’t really care about my high school reunion, they can all suck my cock. LOL
Welllllll...hmmm, what else is there to say? OH, yesterday I went down to Hilo’s local farmer’s market and bought this sick bracelet from this elderly chinese woman. She sounded like she could barely speak english, so, on a far-fetched guess I asked her 你說中文？ And she was like HOLY SHIT BALLS 對! Hahahaha, she was very impressed! I can’t wait until I reach fluency, tagalog might take a while, though--but at least it’s a foreign language that people in my family speak.
Hmmm, as far as college goes, I’m going to try IR and/or Public Health, and just see how those feel. Being undecided sucks, it really, really does.


Well that’s all for now!

OH, and I’m saving up to possibly buy a DSLR, hahahaha, I have the money for it now, buuuuuut idk, money’s REALLY tight right now, so I can’t just blow $500 bucks on one thing @_@


Dub dub out

So, I have about 10 days left here at home before I go back to Brown. Today was pretty awesome, Nat, her friend Collin, and I went to Volcano National Park to go hiking along the crater trail, it was a great workout, especially walking uphill! XD



I took a lot of pictures of the scenery, and it makes me feel like sometimes, okay, well, most times, I take this place for granted. There's so much natural beauty here, so much that's untouched by civilization. And yes, there is SO MUCH less to do here than in a city on the mainland, but I think something that only places like Hawaii can provide, is appreciation.

Appreciation for time, for nature, scenery. Everything goes by so slowly here--everyone's on "Hawaii time". I guess you can say it's a nice break from college, haha. Despite this, I'm still looking forward to going back to school and seeing everyone! I miss them. I also miss Tae Kwon Do, you have no idea. :(

It's still really hard for me to believe that my first year in college is almost done. I have to get a ton finished during these next 10 days: figure out my course schedule for next semester, do those journal entries in chinese, art project, send in my application for the Princeton in Beijing summer program, get started on doing the application for Duke in China, blahblah.

OH, and on a random note, I learned how to say cuddle in chinese!!!

我們現在可以偎！

translation: We can cuddle now! or Now we can cuddle!

hahahhaha.


Dub Dub out